Nothing matters!!! But /knowing/ nothing matters!
Content warning:
metaphors mentioning getting hit by trucks, death
Have you been brainwashed to think black-and-white thinking is only bad? That all-or-nothing thoughts can’t be healthy, or realistic? But what if I told you that lacking middle ground has actually helped us? (and might help us again. As long as we trust ourselves!) For some of us, a gray reality (the non-distorted kind) can leave us like a deer in headlights, wondering if we actually love or hate the headlights… despite them being attached to a several-ton truck that WILL kill us. And for some reason… we really hope the headlights aren’t mad at us. 🤭 My black and white thinking reads like a survival response. Just kidding, mostly. But as someone plagued with an inability to see gray in situations, I’ve been on a mission to see beyond the black and white. To understand the nuances!
Some of you reading this are probably thinking…
What you’re looking for is discernment!
Black and white thinking doesnt mean you forgive easily!
Or
Obviously the headlights are bad!
And yes, I know all these things, But I don’t always FEEL them.
B&W thinking is described as everything either this way, or that way - w/ no in between; But I think sometimes it’s more like B&W feeling. Some things are hard to think yourself out of. For example, let’s just say black = safe, white = unsafe, right? The disadvantage comes into play when a truck could be heading right for a deer (UNSAFE), but because the driver isn’t looking and doesn’t have bad intentions (doesn’t FEEL unsafe), the entire situation gets painted as safe (in feeling, not in fact). Until every single thing is white (unsafe) literally nothing feels like it is.
Okay, is that a weird metaphor? Fine, no more deer (for now.) Let’s dip into pop culture then.*~ Lack of middle ground often seems like we’re missing something, so how do we get “the whole picture”?
If you didn’t watch Wicked, the new feature film based on the award-winning Broadway show that was inspired by (but is not an official prequel or sequel to) first ever technicolor full feature, the 1939 movie: the Wizard of Oz… let’s get started and I’ll try to make it snappy!!! (If I’ve lost you already, this might not be for you, bb.)
If you haven’t watched The Wizard of Oz, or at least know the basics, I can’t do everything for you. HERE (spoiler alert: although you had like a century so)
Ok, now! Rewind the timeline to before Dorothy, before any falling houses, and before ruby slippers.
The story of Wicked begins with The “Good” Witch, aka Glinda, and the green Wicked Witch of the West, aka Elphaba, both attend Shiz, a school for sorcery.
The reader just needs to know:
-Elphaba is misunderstood, green skin, & hangs out with herself;
-Glinda is bubbly, blonde, and most importantly: popular.
They end up roommates who hate each other & couldn’t be more different, though both ambitious and smart. However Elphy beats Glinda by a long shot in most forms of awareness, despite Glinda’s confidence.
One day Glinda, being a good witch, pranks Elphaba with an invitation to the school ball happening that night, even gifting Elphaba an “ugly” hat to wear for the occasion. Elphy (a deer, with perfectly good instincts) questions the act, but accepts the gesture as genuine.(Obviously, the deer really doesn’t want to be right about the truck.) Elphaba, excited by the prospect of femme friendship, even ends up doing a huge favor for Glinda sometime after the invitation but before the ball, and doesn’t say anything to Glinda about it. (Maybe if the deer is vulnerable and polite, the truck will be less truck-like…)
Then, later that night the most famous scenes in the movie, the Ozdust Ballroom scene. a single tear falls down my cheek
The Ozdust Ballroom scene starts with many attendees, including Glinda and her friends, at the event. At this point, Glinda has been made aware of the favor Elphaba did for her. This favor also makes Glinda realize that she’ll never be as genuinely powerful as Elphaba is. When Elphaba arrives alone, wearing the hat Glinda gave her, everyone laughs. No one is dancing anymore. And with tears in her eyes, Elphaba does what she came there to do: dance.
Then, surprisingly Glinda joins her on the empty dance floor.
As I watched Elphaba do the motions despite stares and laughs, I saw an intelligent young witch who let her guard down so she could dance like everyone else, have friends like everyone else. That scene delicately tugged my heartstrings, with the weight of my heaviest memories. Hope of a warm friendship is enough to melt away even the most valid anxieties; And before we know it, we’re at an important event, wearing something a frenemy gave us… Egg all over our faces. (Apparently it’s getting personal!)
What made Glinda want to dance with Elphaba at Ozdust? Change of heart? Was it plain guilt? Was she understanding that her loathed, green roommate was an asset?
Can you believe there is no exact correct answer?! The “right” answer is, at best, layered! And at worst, it’s “up to you.” Ahh the horror. So if you’re like me, and crave a sense of justice… a sense of clarity… Don’t squint your eyes anymore. You’ll just get more confusing details. Zoom out. We! Need! Answers! No, what we need is… black and white thinking.
With the help of black and white thinking (stop yelling at the screen that I’m looking for discernment, or better judgment! I JUST told you I struggle with seeing gray… work with me here.)
Anyway… My B&W conclusion:
After Glinda learned of the favor, the friendship became more beneficial. 1) Glinda was realizing that between Elphaba and her, Elphaba was the more special and powerful one. And 2) She was on Elphaba’s good side at that moment, and her prank had yet to be discovered. Those facts made a public friendship with good intentions - and dance - easier to feign. If the public would eventually see that her roommate, her “friend,” is so special, Glinda must be a little special too.
My Gray conclusion would be:
Maybe Glinda was genuinely sorry! Maybe she feels bad even if she did engage in some evil behaviors! Maybe she had a hard upbringing! slams head into sidewalk. Maybe maybe maybe!!
That gray area is where the most insidious of manipulations find themselves. Maybe there was remorse on Glinda’s half, but any benefit of doubt became holes in Elphaba’s perception. Those holes were how an intuitive and strong character fell for the simplest tricks known to man. This goes beyond a friend accidentally not texting back, or miscommunication. Was it the gray area that made it harder to reject Glinda? When G’s attitude was outright rude, Elphaba was fine to set boundaries. But as soon as friendship offered, Glinda being fake wasn’t even something Elphaba could fathom.
This isn’t to victim-blame at all… OR to say that their friendship wasn’t real! There are some really beautiful things that only came because of their vulnerability, and so many friendships form in environments that don’t make any sense. My point is real life doesn’t play out like the movies. Learning you’ve trusted someone untrustworthy… stings! It makes you question your judgment, other people in your life, and your ability to keep yourself safe.
Has anyone ever told the deer that whatever is beyond the bright headlights of a car, or if the driver is a mean guy or not, is none of any deer’s fuckin’ business?
Little known fact: Deer stand frozen like that because they’re trying to understand gray area. They’re trying to find middle ground. They are figuring out if it’s a predator, promise of their father’s love, or a drunk driver. Right before they get smacked, a small percentage of them “figure it out.” Unfortunately, once deceased, it’s not clear which ones figured what out.
We did interview some of the ones who survived though.
“Yeah I don’t know, dude, it just felt bad. So I ran. No idea what it was though,” one deer who has survived multiple collisions told us.
Life’s not meant to be all gray, or even black and white. Sometimes seeing more isn’t getting more shades of gray, it’s simply zooming OUT and adding more color. Elphaba survived because she ran, or flew, away. Understanding something or someone (even if you don’t agree) isn’t always a good thing. It’s ok to not understand every single thing that happened, or why it happened. Trusting ourselves to know if we need more or less gray thinking, or feeling, seems to be the real secret. Sure, I’d love to know why certain people did certain things to me… But it’s not my problem to solve. Our time and energy is finite, do we want it to go towards things done by people who hate us, or should it go towards the people we love and love us back? Also stay tuned for another essay in a few months completely contradicting this one.
Trust your gut, little deer!
