Apparently, I have Pandora’s Box…
*** TW: Sexual Assault***
Sex, particularly penis in vagina sex, was a mystery to me for most of my teen years. I couldn’t wrap my head around how everyone seemed to have a great time during sex. This confusion was partially because of how disconnected I felt from my body, and partially because I hadn’t had any good experiences myself.
When we first learn about sex, we’re groomed to believe that the consequence of owning a vagina is subjecting yourself to pain or discomfort for the pleasure of your partner. My main takeaways from conversations about sex, whether it was with friends, family, or the show “The Secret Life of an American Teenager” (my Holy Scripture at the time), were that my first time would hurt like a bitch. I was taught that that was something I had to be okay with.
All the while, I never heard stories of people with penises learning how to pleasure people with vaginas to ensure that their first times were as enjoyable as possible. Why was I taught to brace myself for pain, when this could be avoided or at least put at ease by teaching people about the importance of pleasure for BOTH partners during intercourse?
My first semi-consensual sexual experience was dehumanizing. When I made him aware that he hadn’t aroused me enough yet, he pushed my concerns aside and forced himself on me. While I had intially consented to sex with this individual, consent can be taken back at anythime during sex. They pushed my concerns aside and my agency was taken away. This was an assault. And while my other interactions with penises did not always fall under this category, I found it was a recurring theme that my pleasure would never be a priority.
Even after bullying some of my sexual partners with penises into pleasing me as well, I had experiences where I’d leave and have to turn to my trusty vibrator to receive the pleasure I deserved. If you don’t make an effort to pleasure me during sex, there’s a problem. And the root of it is sexism.
It’s no surprise that penises are put on a pedestal. We talk about the penis all the time! It’s in our colloquial language. We make jokes about it. We draw it on school desks. We make giant snow sculptures of dicks on our university quads. This “penis worship” sadly translates to the bedroom as well. In P in V sex, penises seem to get all of the attention and typically the sex is considered over once the partner with the penis orgasms. In fact, penile orgasms seemingly happen so much more often that vaginal orgasms are an anomaly. According to a CNN article, 40% of people with vaginas struggle experiencing orgasm.
There is a long history of minimizing the importance of the vaginal orgasm and the agency of vagina owners, which is still deeply ingrained in our culture today. Most of the porn people consume completely omits foreplay, which is so necessary for ensuring the most amount of pleasure for people with vaginas.
How do we get people to give vaginas the pleasure they deserve? Well, we need to teach people to pay attention to their partner’s bodies and ensure that everyone involved is getting the attention they need. For example, not everyone with a vagina can orgasm from penetration. You gotta give more than just in and out... and in and out...and in and out. We have to normalize communication. Find out what makes your partner's toes curl!
Because my orgasm means just as much as yours. Always.
